Forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook for the pain they have caused you. The Mayo Clinic says forgiveness is “a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.” Forgiveness is the necessary ingredient for salvation. But too many of us live in a state of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness does violence to the soul and causes destruction within the community of believers. All our unforgiveness does not happen in a void.
Scripture is very clear about the consequences of unforgiveness that leads to bitterness.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Ephesians 4:31 (NLT)
For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.
Acts 8:23 (NLT)
Right after Jesus taught the disciples to pray, He reminded them, For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT) Strong words that we should heed well.
I could go on for a long time with Scriptures dealing with unforgiveness and bitterness. But suffice it to say, we should avoid allowing these things into our hearts and lives.
My mother passed away a number of years ago. As she was living her last days, communicating in rare moments, she was adamant that I reach out to her step-sister to express her forgiveness for a wound that had happened many years prior to that time. All those years had passed without meaningful communication between the two who had grown up together. Years lost, relationships splintered, and in her dying days, unforgiveness was eating at her. I reached out and left a message for my Aunt, but never received a reply. So much lost time and love.
Often, unforgiveness will turn into bitterness. I had a friend that harbored unforgiveness, turned bitter, toward me for something I did not even know I had done. That bout lasted 10 years. She finally came to me to ask my forgiveness for the years of bitterness had eaten. Of course I forgave her, but, again, the years were lost, and my friend had lived in torment. I asked her forgiveness for the pain I had initially caused her as well. You see, forgiveness goes two ways; we seek it from those we have offended and we extend it freely to those who have offended us. Hebrews 12:14-15 reminds us, Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy: without holiness, no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (NIV)
In addition to the emotional, relational, and mental toll unforgiveness takes on us, there is also physical damage that unforgiveness and bitterness does to the human body. According to medical research, symptoms can include, but are not limited to, headaches, high blood pressure, disrupted sleep, joint pain, sleep difficulties, tooth grinding, and may even be a factor in heart attacks and strokes. Bitterness is described as a poison that destroys your system.
In a Mayo Clinic article entitled, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness”, the Mayo Clinic Staff gives some great insight.
“Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Improved mental health
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- A stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Improved self-esteem
Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change.”
Interesting that the medical world has figured out just what Scripture tells us. In the process of forgiveness, we must turn those who have wounded us over to God. As a disciple of Christ, we must follow His lead, surrendering our hearts…and our hurts…completely to Him. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit can we truly forgive other people. We must often ask God to give us His heart of forgiveness for them because we just don’t feel it.
And what happens if the person we need to forgive has passed. Now what? Again, forgiveness is a heart issue, and only by surrendering our hearts fully to Christ do we stand a chance of truly forgiving someone who has wounded us. I am often asked if one must go to the other person to ask forgiveness for wounding, or to tell them we forgive them for wounding us. There is not really a definitive answer to that question. The closest we could come would be Matthew 18:14-16. This passage reminds us that there is a biblical way to handle offenses within the church. But when we follow the model Jesus set for us, we know that there is no limit to our level of forgiveness. Continuing in Matthew 18, verses 21-22 give us a glimpse into the overwhelming forgiveness Christ expects of us: Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (ESV) Other translations render that as seventy times seven. In either case, that’s a lot of forgiveness. And a lot of hard work.
Let me be clear, though. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. And it does not always mean you need to let that person become an active part of your life. Forgiveness means you let God have the right to bring consequences on them. Forgiveness means you no longer feel angst when you see them or hear their name mentioned. True forgiveness means you can love them through Christ’s love. As we grow to be more like Him, remembering that we are made in His image, we learn to surrender all our hurts to Him, and we learn to love through the power of the Holy Spirit that lives within us. 1 John 1:9 reminds us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and here’s the best part, He will cleanse our hearts from all unrighteousness! He will forgive us, even though we don’t deserve it. How can we, knowing the power of that forgiveness, hold someone else in the bondage of unforgiveness that keeps us bound, as well.
Just think about that for a bit.
We must learn to forgive because we are forgiven. Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? But we often have difficulty because we are very focused on ourselves and our rights. It is unfair when someone wounds us, we all know that. It was unfair when Jesus was wounded for our sins. We aren’t promised fair, just Presence, Christ’s Presence. He is with us as we walk through the process of forgiving others, and He knows what that is all about. Some of His last words on the Cross were “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
He knows.
So, I ask you today, are you willing to follow David’s example found in Psalm 139:23-24, Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. That’s a brave prayer, but one we must pray, if we are willing to walk in forgiveness as we follow Christ as His disciples. Are you willing to embark on the journey? Ask God to reveal to you anyone you need to forgive. And remember, forgiveness is seldom a one and done act, but a process to be walked out as your faith grows.
I close with a quote from Tim Keller [Prodigal God], “Forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting forgiveness. At the heart of our faith is a man dying for his enemies, then asking God to forgive the people who killed Him.”
This post originally appeared at The Hard Thing — The Bonhoeffer Project